Maturity
by Psychodahlia
Summary: ...is over rated. The fourth and final chapter of the trilogy. The Enterprise returns to semi-normal.
1. Chapter 1

The newly appointed Captain fumed. "This is…" He paused. "unacceptable." Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Sulu arching an eyebrow at his Spock-like choice of words. He didn't care. The whole bridge crew was watching him and he had to get this right. He had to put a stop to it. "It's dangerous and stupid. If it becomes a habit…"

"It von't." Chekov said softly, the combination of public humiliation and a vicious hangover made his accent even thicker. "I'm sorry, Keptin."

Kirk briefly considered accepting the apology but decided against it. A captain had to be strong. He had to set an example for his crew. He had to nip all infractions in the bud.

It had been a month since he had killed Nero. A week since he had relieved Admiral Pike of command of the Enterprise. Five days since they had begun their mission to seek out new life and civilizations.

This was the first time he had had to enforce discipline. It made him feel scummy. Hypocritical. And of course it had to be the kid who showed up for work reeking of vodka…_maybe I shouldn't have done this publicly. _"You are relieved from duty for the day, Mr. Chekov."

The teenager all but ran from the bridge. It was unclear which of them felt worse.

Bones was not as sympathetic as Kirk would have liked. "You yelled at him in front of the whole bridge crew?" He shook his head. "Never thought you'd be a stickler for rules." He pushed the red disc forward on the checkerboard. They met once a week for a checker game, more because they wanted to talk than out of any liking for the game. Usually the game was spiced up with some whiskey but Kirk hadn't felt like drinking that week.

"He showed up hung over. He couldn't add two and two together, let alone do navigational equations." Kirk defended himself, skipping the black disc over and taking the red one.

"Where'd he get the vodka anyway? You should have asked."

"Yeah, that would have gone over well. 'Hey Chekov, I'd like to know where you got the booze.'"

Bones studied the board. "I'm not saying you should have let him off. Just that yelling at him in front of the bridge…" He shrugged. "Isn't that kind of mean?"

"I'm not mean."

"I didn't say you were I just said…"

"Forget it." Kirk stood up. "I've got to go talk to Spock."

"Jim…"

"It's okay." Kirk forced a smile. "I'll talk to you later Bones." He squared his shoulders and left the doctor's living quarters without another word.

Bones stared at the checkerboard for another few seconds before picking up his red disc and calmly skipping over three of Kirk's black ones.

The lights were turned off and most of the First Officer's quarters were shrouded in darkness. The only light came from three candles perched on his dresser. They were white and of uniform height, having been lit at the same time. There was little air movement and the flames did not flicker. They were in perfect order, same as everything else in the room.

Mr. Spock sat on his bed facing the candles. His eyes were closed and his breathing was steady. He was perfectly still. Hand anyone else been in the room they would have thought he was a statue rather than a Vulcan.

Half-Vulcan. Which was why he meditated so often. It would not do to let his human side dominate. Especially not now, when the crew needed stability. Needed reassurance that their commanding officers were able to lead and not just point and shoot. He needed to meditate.

The knock interrupted that. Despite his three hour ritual of concentration he couldn't prevent a brief surge of irritation. _Damn._ "Enter."

The doors swooshed open and Kirk stepped in. "Captain." He greeted. "What is the purpose of your visit?"

"I need to talk to you."

"That is obvious or else you wouldn't have come here." For a second the Captain looked insulted. Then he realized it was a statement of fact rather than a brush off and relaxed.

"I want to talk to you about Chekov."

"Indeed."

"You're a Vulcan, you know about logic."

"Forgive me Jim, but I fail to see the connection."

Kirk scowled and sat down on the bed. "What would be the logical choice? What would you have done?"

"An inebriated navigational officer is a danger to the ship. The logical course of action would be to relieve him of duty until he was fit to serve."

"So you're saying what I did was logical?"

"Surprisingly so."

Kirk narrowed his eyes. There was no indication of it, but he could have sworn Spock was laughing at him. If Vulcans could laugh. "But would…" He was cut off by the swoosh of the doors and the entry of Lieutenant Uhura.

"Oh." She looked from one to the other, clearly embarrassed. Kirk wasn't sure why, half the ship knew she and Spock were in a relationship. He had seen them in far more intimate moments than now. Albeit they weren't in Spock's room. And he hadn't been sitting on Spock's bed. And she hadn't been wearing….that. _Damn._

It was Spock that saved them. If the untimely meeting of his lover and his Captain embarrassed him then he wasn't showing it. "Welcome, Uhura. The Captain and I were discussing Mr. Chekov."

"We've decided what I did was logical." Kirk deadpanned.

"Humiliating him in front of the bridge crew was logical?" She looked at Spock. "I don't get it."

"I believe the Captain was referring to his decision to have Mr. Chekov relieved of duty."

She nodded. "Well that I can understand. The other thing was just mean."

Kirk fumed. "Bones said the same thing. I'm not mean!" He stood up and paced around the room. Uhura took his place on the bed and she and Spock watched him. "I'm just trying to be a good captain. Y'know, several philosophers noted that good leaders have to be mean sometimes. Not that I'm mean, but I do have a responsibility to the crew to keep them safe. I can't let a hung over kid navigate the ship. Whose great idea was it to send a seventeen year old kid into space anyway? He should be at the Academy." He looked at them for confirmation. "But I am not mean."

Uhura spoke first. "This isn't about Chekov."

"Of course it is..." Kirk started. Spock interrupted him.

"I believe Lt. Uhura is right. This is about you. You are wondering if you are fit for command."

"I saved the world!"

"An admirable accomplishment. But the trials faced then were different than now."

"This is not about me."

"All available evidence indicates it is."

"It isn't."

"I believe it is."

"Isn't."

Spock looked at Uhura. "The Captain is being illogical. You are also a human, and therefore illogical. Perhaps you can better understand him."

She looked amused. "I'll try."

"This is not about me." Kirk repeated.

"For the sake of argument we'll say it's not. It's about whether you did the right thing regarding Chekov."

"Okay."

"There's no argument that relieving him of duty was the right thing. The question is how you did it."

"Okay."

"What else could you have done?"

"I…" He faltered. "I don't know."

"I looked over your Academy records. Your performance in all leadership courses was exemplary." Spock said. "There is no logical explanation why you should falter now."

"Because that was the classroom and this is real life!" Kirk exploded. "I'm the youngest Captain in Starfleet. People depend on me to make good decisions and be mature!"

"So what do you think maturity means?" Uhura asked. Her voice was low and he found it soothing.

"In the past I always thought it was overrated. Hell, I probably would've bought him a case of beer to share with his high-school friends." Kirk shrugged. "Now…I guess it means a well run ship. And I can't afford any slip-ups because slip-ups mean people die." He looked at them. "This is about me."

"Indeed." Spock gave a slight nod. "You have realized that your previous disregard for rules and regulations is not appropriate or healthy."

"But just because you've grown up doesn't mean you have to be…act mean." Uhura pointed out.

Kirk nodded. "So…any suggestions?"

"People drink for a reason. Perhaps if you found out Chekov's reason it would repair your relationship and prevent future infractions?" Spock said.

"That's a good idea." Kirk looked at both of them. "Thanks." There was an awkward moment when he looked from Spock to Uhura and couldn't help but notice again what she was wearing. _Hot damn!_ "I'll, uh, I'll just be going now. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Uhura gave a tolerant smile and pushed him out. "Good bye, Jim." When the doors swooshed shut, she sighed with relief and turned back to her lover. "Well. That was interesting."

"I am impressed with your use of logic to bring him to the correct conclusion that this was about him."

"You must be wearing off on me."

"Indeed."

"Would you like it if I 'wore off' on you a bit now?"

"Indeed."

The computer terminal told him that Chekov was located in Montgomery Scott's room. Without pausing to wonder what the teenager was doing there, Kirk hurried over. He knocked on the door and was a little concerned when he heard a thud and an "Ow!" from inside. There was another thud and the doors swooshed partially open to reveal his Chief Engineer.

"Hello there, Cap'n." The Scot raised a hand in greeting.

"Hello Scotty. Is Chekov here?"

"Aye." Scotty didn't move but kept standing in the doorway with a drunken smile on his face. "He is."

Kirk waited a moment before asking: "Can I come in?"

"O' course!" Scotty moved out of the way and the doors opened up. "He an' me an' Meg have been comparing our culture differences."

Kirk stepped in. "Meg…?"

"Lieutenant O'Malley. Works in admin. She an' I agree this ship needs an Englishman for us to beat up. She's celebratin' Irish independence." Scotty gestured over to his bed. From behind it popped up a cute and obviously drunk redhead. She waved and he waved back.

"O…kay. Where does Chekov fit into all of this?" Kirk asked. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like the answer.

"Oh, he's been tryin' to prove to us that vodka is better than whiskey." From her resting place on the bed, Meg shook her head no. "I say it's not Scottish so it must be crap."

"Scotty, you do know Chekov's seventeen right? He's a kid!"

"That young?" Meg spoke for the first time. Between her accent and the whiskey, Kirk could barely understand her. "Huh. Well, he's old enough to see over the counter."

"What counter?" Kirk was puzzled.

"The bar counter." She said, as if that explained everything.

"The Enterprise doesn't have a bar!"

"I know that. But…" She looked at her drinking partner. "Scotty, I'm too drunk for this. You explain."

"Aye." He inhaled as if preparing himself for a long, complicated explanation on the intricacies of Scottish and Irish drinking laws and regulations. "If you're tall enough to see over the counter then you're old enough to drink." Behind him Meg rolled over and off the bed, punctuating the declaration with a thud.

There was a moment of silence. Kirk raised his hand to his forehead and massaged his temples. "That's…that's…"

"I think they do somthin' different in England. Somethin' 'bout your age." Meg piped up.

"Another reason to hate the English. Not only did they kill William Wallace, but they card people at bars and prevent them from their God-given right to drink!" Scotty shook his head. "Bloody bastards."

"Is Chekov here?" Kirk asked suddenly. The conversation was giving him a headache.

"I'm…" a hiccup. "right here, Keptin." Chekov appeared in the doorway between the bedroom and the bathroom. His eyes were sunken in and his hair was messed up. He looked like hell.

"Mr. Chekov." Kirk said. "You're drunk again."

"Ja." He started to nod then stopped and winced. "I…proved that…"

"Mr. Chekov?"

The Ensign stumbled forward and threw up on Kirk's boots.

Bones sighed. "Put him on the bed." He waited until Kirk had laid the unconscious teenager down before taking out his medical instruments. "Well, the good news is he's breathing. The bad news is his breath stinks. I'd say…" He sniffed. "Vodka. Definitely vodka. What'd you do this time, punch him out?"

"I didn't do anything like that!" Kirk protested. "He threw up on my boots, said something in Russian, and passed out."

Bones looked down and wrinkled his nose. As a doctor he was used to gross stuff. But that didn't make it any less icky. "Do you know why he's suddenly turned to alcoholism?"

"Getting drunk twice doesn't mean he's an alcoholic. And no." Kirk sighed and sat down on a chair reserved for sickbay visitors. "I don't have a clue. Why, you got any idea?"

"I'm a doctor not a mind reader. If you want to know why he's drinking you'll have to ask him."

Kirk sighed. He was exhausted and the idea of having to interrogate his youngest crew member about his drinking habits was not a fun one. "I'm going to the bridge. When he wakes up…" He hesitated.

"When he wakes up I'm going to send him back to his quarters. He won't be in any shape to do anything."

"Send him back to his quarters and tell him to wait for further orders. Then let me know." Kirk stood up and was almost out of sickbay when Bones called after him.

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"You might want to change your boots."

Four hours and twenty-eight minutes later Kirk hesitated. He didn't want to be a jerk but he was the Captain. He didn't have to knock. Eventually he decided that he was thinking about it too hard and knocked.

No answer.

He knocked again and when the doors didn't open he told the computer to let him in. The doors swooshed open without hesitation.

As with Spock's room the lights were off. However, there was no alternative light source and Kirk soon banged his knee against the dresser. He cursed and rubbed the spot. "Lights on!"

The room was flooded with light and he was distracted from the pain by a groan. Chekov was lying on the bed. "Lights…off…please." He begged. He didn't seem to notice Kirk was there, or if he did he didn't acknowledge him.

"Lights on!" Kirk said loudly, eliciting another groan. The kid could whimper all he wanted, he was Captain and he was not going to carry on this conversation in the dark.

Chekov didn't groan again but he did sit up and give Kirk a look that made him feel like he had kicked a puppy. A really sad little puppy with an impossible accent. "Keptin, I…." He paused. Begging an excuse, he rolled off the bed and dashed past Kirk and ran into the bathroom. A second later there was the unmistakable sound of illness.

After Kirk helped him back to the bed, he pulled the pillow over his head. "Keptin….please kill me."

"Did Dr. McCoy give you any medication?" Kirk pulled the pillow away.

"Nyet. He said that if I couldn't stand the hang over then I shouldn't drink. He said he couldn't cure stupidity."

"Wow. And he called me mean."

"Keptin?"

"Nothing." Kirk looked around for a chair. Not finding one he sat down on the bed. "You look like hell."

"Feel like it. Feel like…" He met Kirk's eyes. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Dr. McCoy said you vere mad. Said to vait for you in my room. Said I threw up on your boots." He looked down. "I feel like I'm vaiting for Papa to come home."

The confession struck him as both hilarious and insulting. He wasn't that old and he didn't want to be anybody's 'Papa'. He took a deep breath. This was his real test of leadership, his big moment. He couldn't afford to fail. "Well, I owe you an apology too."

"But you're the Captain."

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have yelled at you. At least not in public."

There was a moment of silence. "Am I in trouble?" Chekov asked softly.

"Yes. Well, no. Yes."

"Keptin? My English is not that good."

Kirk allowed a ghost of a smile to cross his face. "If we're going to move past this I want to know: why?"

"Vhy I vas drinking?" Chekov shrugged and slumped further down in the bed. "The first time, I vas thinking about Russia and the time I vent to Saint Petersburg. Have you ever been there? Very lovely place. Especially the Church, with the colors…" He met Kirk's eyes and blushed. "Anyvay, I vas thinking about it and I remembered being allowed a sip of vodka. I found a bottle and vanted to remember the taste." He paused. "I think I remembered it too vell."

The smile lasted a little longer this time. "And this time?"

"I vas vith Scotty and ve vere talking about vere ve came from. He said he's been to Moscow. Said vhiskey is better than vodka. He said you can't get drunk on vodka and it's crap. I told him vhiskey is a Russian invention but he doesn't believe me. I vas telling him about General Vinter and Peter the Great vhen I got sick."

Slowly, Kirk started to get the picture. "You miss Russia?"

"Ja. I miss the snow and the bears and the dances. But not the vodka. There is too much vodka around for me to miss it." Chekov shrugged. "Nobody on the ship is from Russia. Some of them has visited but…" He shrugged again.

"I think I understand."

"Keptin? Can I ask a question?"

"Sure."

"Did you ever…" He hesitated.

"Go on."

"Did you ever get drunk? When you were young…er?"

Kirk laughed. "All the time! We had one bar in the whole town. It was past Anderson's cornfield, turn left at the stoplight…"

"The stoplight?"

"We only had one. Fred worked at the bar and he honestly had no idea that there was an age limit on drinking. My high school graduation party was awesome." He grinned at the fuzzy memory. "So yes, I did. But I wasn't responsible for navigating a space ship."

"Vill you put it on my record? The drinking?"

Kirk shook his head. "No. When other teenagers get drunk they get detention, not a permanent black spot that could screw up their careers."

"Dee-ten-chon?" Chekov sounded out the foreign word. "Vhat is that?"

"That is…." He thought fast. "working an extra shift with Mr. Spock for two weeks."

"I have to vork vith Mr. Spock?" The look on the Ensign's face told Kirk his idea was a good one. "He is…" The teenager caught his eyes. "Yes Sir."

"Yeah. That's what happens when you disobey my orders. You have to work with him." The more he thought about it the more appropriate it seemed. "Anyways…" Kirk stood up. "I want you to get some sleep. And the next time I see you, you had better be sober."

Meditate. Meditate. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeditate. A knock at the door. _Never fails._ "Come in." Spock called out. Uhura had told him 'Enter' was unwelcoming. It was logical to keep her happy.

Kirk had a grin spread over his face, the sight of which made Spock arch an eyebrow. "Captain." He greeted.

"Mr. Spock, I am the most awesome captain to ever command a vessel ever."

"That is an illogical statement. The greatest captain to ever serve in Starfleet is widely considered to be…"

"Spock, I'm awesome. I just worked out that thing with Chekov. Turns out the kid was homesick."

"Indeed."

"Yeah. By the way, he'll be spending an extra shift with you for two weeks. Have fun."

Spock considered this for a moment. "Would I be correct in assuming this extra duty is a punishment?" Kirk nodded. "I see."

"Dunno if you know this, but working with you on a regular basis can be annoying. Extra duty with you would be torture."

"No, Captain, I did not know that."

"I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."

Spock resisted the urge to sigh and roll his eyes. Just when he thought Kirk was growing up this happened. Humans were just so immature.

Finite.

Author's notes: Some stuff to say on this one. It was inspired by the part in the movie where Chekov says he's 17. Kirk was like 'Bzuh?' and I was like 'Bzuh?' because who sends a high school senior into space in a pseudo-military environment?

Then I thought that Kirk was about 25. That's pretty young for a command. He might have some trouble adjusting too. Saving the universe is different from running a ship.

Then I thought: well, how would a teenager without parental supervision handle homesickness? How would a young, new commanding officer handle discipline infractions? How would they mess up? How would they make it better? I originally intended this to be more action filled, but it ended up more about Kirk coming to terms with the idea that he has to grow up a little.

When I was seventeen I joined the Army Reserves. I was told several times that getting drunk (before or after I turned 21) would result in the destruction of my career. Rocks would fall, everyone would die, Sgt. A would weep tears of blood, the world would end and I would not feel fine etc. Guess what I did during my graduation party? And obviously, the world didn't end.

Anyways…the scene with Scotty was fun to write. I have an English boyfriend who tells me that there are parts of Scotland and Ireland that are just like that. If you can see over the counter, you can have a drink.

Kirk's story about his town is based partly on my own experiences. I drove through a town where they gave directions based on 'the' stoplight. The line 'I can hear you over the sound of how awesome I am' was stolen from a fake motivational poster with Shatner's image.

Star Trek does not belong to me. No money was made from this fic.


	2. Chapter 2

Captain James T. Kirk cleared his throat and announced, in his calmest, most logical voice, "Everybody panic." There was a moment of silence. The bridge crew looked at him oddly, Spock arched an eyebrow, and he realized what he had just said. "I mean, nobody panic. I'm sure there is a perfectly logical explanation. Right, Mr. Spock?"

"The lights are hooked up to the ship's power. Their failure would indicate a problem either with the electrical engineering or power..." The Vulcan caught Uhura's eye. "I mean, yes. There is a logical explanation."

Kirk nodded. "Bridge to Engineering."

There was a cackle before a powerful Scottish brogue filled the bridge. "Scotty here. Power's out all over, Cap'n."

"Any idea why?"

"Electrical surge."

There was a pause. Kirk swiveled around in his chair to face Spock. "Is he serious?" It seemed odd that the Enterprise could be thrust into total darkness by something so mundane as a power surge.

"Judging from his tone and the gravity of the situation there is an ninety-eight percent chance that he is serious."

"Thanks. Mr. Scott?"

"Aye, Cap'n. I've neutralized the threat so it shouldn't happen again. I've got all available personnel workin' on getting' this beauty lit up like a Christmas tree again." In the week and a half they had been cruising through space, Scotty had come up with several nicknames for the ship. 'Beauty'. 'Angel'. 'Cream-filled Cupcake'. "After we get the lights back on we'll get to work on the replicators."

"The replicators are out too?"

"Aye, but I'm only expectin' it to take a few hours to get the lights back on. I don' expec' anyone to starve in the meantime." He chuckled. "Everythin' else is workin' fine. I'll update you regularly. Scotty out."

The bridge was silent for a few moments before Kirk cleared his throat. "Take us out of warp, Mr. Sulu. We won't be able to accomplish much if we can't see anything."

"Captain, I have a suggestion." Spock said. "It would be logical to have a team attempt to fix the replicators while Mr. Scott fixes the electricity, thus saving time."

"Do you have anyone in mind, Mr. Spock?"

"I would like to volunteer myself and Mr. Chekov."

Kirk nodded. "Make it so."

Spock was about to step into the turbo lift when Uhura grabbed his hand. "Be kind." She said quietly.

"I will be fair." It was the most she could hope for from him. He gently squeezed her hand and stepped into the dark turbo lift.

Skippy Skippy

The kitchen did not get much use. It was mainly there so that the more 'exotic' members of the crew, or those who liked a little more spice than was normal, could cook what the replicators couldn't deliver. Lt. O'Malley had set up a distillery in the corner, which had sparked a heated debate. The other Irishwoman on the ship had been offended at such stereotypical behavior. The debate had turned into a fight, which had only stopped when Mr. Spock pinched both of them. The kitchen had not seen any other use until today.

Ensign Pavel Chekov was making a cake. Or rather, he had made a cake. Then the electrical surge happened and while fumbling around in the darkness for his hand held light simulator (flashlight) he had knocked his creation over and onto the floor. He had been baking the cake as both a thank you and a come on. Taking a cue from his leadership, the teenager was expanding his social network to include women.

He didn't have time to mope about it because Mr. Spock chose that moment to arrive. The ship's second in command had quickly outlined the situation and his plan to get the replicators functioning. He paused when a dark brown smear on the ensign's uniform. His light simulator traced the brown smudges down to the floor where the remains of a cake were scattered. He arched his eyebrow.

They had been spending enough together recently that Chekov recognized that look as an inquiry. "I vas making cake. But the lights vent out and it vent splat." He shrugged.

Spock chose not to inquire further and simply led the way out of the kitchen and to the hallways. He walked quickly and Chekov had to practically run to keep up with his long strides. "The replicator hardware is located in the recesses of the ship under layers of wiring and…"

"Vhy?"

"So that it is harder to hit, thus ensuring food will be available in the event we come under attack. We will have to crawl through the vents…"

"Vhy?"

"Because the only way to get to the hardware is through the vents. The correct vents are located close to the warp core…"

"Vhy?"

"Why they are located close to the warp core?"

"Nyet. I mean, vhy did you choose to take me vith you?"

Spock stopped walking and turned to face the junior officer. "First, you were assigned an extra shift with me a day for two weeks. Consider this the requisite shift. Second, you took classes pertaining to systems hardware during the Academy. Third, the vents are thin and would be difficult for a person over fifty inches wide to navigate."

Chekov blinked. "You need me because I'm skinny?"

"I believe I just said that." Spock said coolly before he continued down the corridor.

Skippy Skippy

With the power out, productivity all over the ship ground to a halt. Engineering had confiscated any and all flashlights they could find so they didn't even have that weak source of light. Sickbay had been allowed to keep two so Bones could fix up people who stumbled in after banging their knees against furniture in the dark. The bridge was left in complete and total darkness.

Kirk was at a loss of what to do. Everybody was bored. Somebody had started an impromptu yoga class with the idea that it was something productive that could keep them occupied. Enthusiasm for the idea had dropped when they realized they couldn't see what she was doing and her instructions were not that good. The idea had been dropped after a failed group effort of the Tree Pose, which had resulted in a broken nose and a twisted ankle. Group morale was low and Kirk was worried.

"Okay everyone, group bonding exercise time. Get in a circle!" There were scrapes and bumps and one "Ow, my tentacle!" as the bridge crew collided into each other into a haphazard circle. "Okay, I know we can't do much, so we're going to get to know each other. Tell the group your name and something we don't know about you. I'll go first. I'm James T. Kirk and I drove a car over a cliff when I was ten years old. Next."

"I'm Ankarra Xiphion the fifth and I secretly enjoy the taste of human flesh. Your soft pudgy bodies are delicious. Now that the replicators are down, you guys qualify as a back up food supply." There was a pause. "Uh…I mean, I like roses and long walks on the beach."

Skippy Skippy

Spock was not annoyed. Vulcans did not get annoyed. Annoyance was illogical, it did not accomplish anything. He was not annoyed. But if anyone had been around to ask, he would have admitted that he wished Chekov would be quiet. The truth was that between the thick Russian accent and the echoes vibrating off the metal walls of the vents, the Ensign might as well have been speaking Russian for all Spock could make out.

They came to a part in the vents where there was room enough for the two men to sit and look at a map. Plundered from Engineering, it told them how to follow the winding metal paths to the replicators. Or it would have, if they had any idea where they were.

"Are ve lost?"

There was no point in lying. "Yes." How they got lost was the bigger question. Spock glanced up at the right corner of the map. His eyes narrowed slightly. "Ensign, this is the wrong map."

Chekov leaned over. "No, it is the map for the vents."

"The vents on the starboard side of the ship. We are on the port side. Did you tell Mr. Scott where we were going?"

"Ah…he vas busy and I didn't vant to…bother…him." Chekov leaned away from the Vulcan.

Spock was not mad. Vulcans did not have bouts of homicidal rage. Homicidal rage was illogical and accomplished nothing…

Skippy Skippy

"So…that was good. Good work everybody." Kirk beamed at his bridge crew. Unfortunately, it was still dark so they couldn't see him. "Now we're going to try and build trust. I'm going to fall and let the person to my right catch me. Ready?" He leaned back. On his way down he remembered that the person on his right was Ankarra Xiphion the fifth, consumer of human flesh. He didn't have time to dwell on it because he landed on the floor with a 'whump'.

"Are you dead, Food?" Ankarra sounded hopeful.

"No."

"Curses! I mean…yay."

Skippy Skippy

"I don't understand. If the ship is sim-met-tree-call, vhy do ve have a map for each side?"

Spock gritted his teeth and kept crawling. He had determined there was a seventy-eight point three percent likelihood the replicator hardware was just around the next corner. "Because there are different hardware systems located on each side and they take up different amounts of space." He turned the corner and frowned.

That twenty-one point seven percent had won the day. Instead of the hardware there was a gap in the vents. Twenty feet below was the waste removal system, a slicing and dicing whirlwind of blades. Below the blades was an incinerator. The only thing separating them from certain death was a rickety metal bridge.

On the other side of the bridge was a panel with some strange markings. Spock guessed they were human but he had no idea what they were. Silently cursing he was about to turn back when Chekov pointed. "You found it, Mr. Spock!"

"How can you read the markings?"

"They are in Russian. Ve have a corner on producing parts for space ships." The teenager smiled. "Ve vere the first ones in space. Beat the Americans."

"Indeed." Spock nodded. He was going to let it go but his human side tickled him, prompting him to respond to that. "But I believe the Americans beat Russia to the moon." He silently thanked his American-born mother for drilling that piece of information into him. Marriage to an impartial Vulcan had not quelled her national pride. Ignoring Chekov's pout, he stepped onto the bridge and began a slow shuffle to the other side.

Chekov hesitated for a moment but hurriedly followed the older man when Spock turned back to arch an eyebrow. It wasn't that he was afraid of heights or whirling blades or being incinerated. Not really. He was pretty quick on his feet, he probably wouldn't fall. Still, it would have been nice if they had installed handrails. Light would have been good too. Oh well. He just had to go slowly and put one foot in front of the other. Foot one. Foot two. Foot one. Foot two. Foot o… "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Without missing a beat, Spock turned and smoothly stretched out his arm, grabbing the scruff of Chekov's uniform shirt. He hauled back up to the bridge and arched an eyebrow. "It would be wise to be more careful." Chekov responded in Russian, alternating between thanking God and desperately wishing he'd done what his mother had wanted and gotten a desk job with the government. "I do not speak Russian."

"I said: 'Thank you, Mr. Spock.'"

"You are welcome." Spock released him and turned his attention back to crossing the bridge.

Skippy Skippy

"Engineering to Bridge."

"This is Captain Kirk. How's it going Scotty? Any chance of speeding things up?"

"Ye cannae change the laws of physics. This li'l lady is a tough one and I should 'ave 'er lit up soon enough."

"That's great, Scotty. I'm really happy to hear that."

"How're things on the Bridge, Cap'n?"

"Well, we did some team building exercises. Now we're playing poker. In the dark."

"Strip poker?"

"In the dark. We couldn't see anything if we were."

"Dark or no, ye cannae change the laws of human nature either. Scotty out." There was the familiar beeping noise ending the conversation.

"Foolish humans. Your lack of outerwear will make it easier for me to feast on your flesh. Uh…I mean, I fold."

Skippy Skippy

Spock would have liked to concentrate on his assigned task but found himself distracted by the noise. He would have liked to tune out the chatter but given that they were sitting right next to each other in a confined vent that was almost impossible. "Mr. Chekov, cease talking. That is an order." Blissful silence followed and Spock was finally able to concentrate.

They were lucky in that fixing the replicator hardware was pretty straightforward. A few tightened screws, a few replaced wires, some duct tape and all was well. Spock reached over for a red wire and paused when he saw the kicked puppy look. Nyota's words about being nice came to back to him. It was going to be awkward, he would probably regret it, but Vulcans on the whole weren't in the habit of kicking puppies. He personally was not in the habit of being mean to people. Cruelty, he told himself, was illogical. "Why were you baking a cake?"

Chekov looked surprised. "Vell, I vanted to thank someone. She is nice and I also vanted to ask her…" He trailed off.

"If you do not wish to tell me then you are under no obligation to do so."

"No, it's fine. I vanted to ask her out."

"I see. You could not request she spend time with you without the aid of a cake?"

"Vell, I could. But part of it is that I vanted to make her something. Lieutenant Uhura is very sweet." Spock straightened up and banged his head on the top of the vent. "Mr. Spock? Sir, are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"I am fine and you are holding up three fingers." Spock inhaled a few times. There was no reason to be upset. Apparently, Chekov was part of the fifty percent of the ship that didn't know about his relationship with Nyota. This was an innocent misunderstanding that would easily be fixed. "It is not advisable that you pursue a relationship with Lieutenant Uhura."

"Vhy not?"

"Because she is already in a relationship."

"She is? Vith who…oh." Chekov understood and the kicked puppy face was back. "Sorry, Sir."

"You were ignorant of the situation, thus no apology is necessary." Spock wished the kicked puppy face would go away. "I would suggest you investigate your compatibility with other women. There are many on this ship who are closer to your age."

"I'm not a child. I know I'm young, but it's not like ve have any old people on this ship anyvay." Chekov said softly. "Are ve finished?"

"It would be wise to test the replicators before we left." Spock flipped open his communicator. "Spock to Captain Kirk. Requesting a functions check of the replicators."

There was a mumbled "Oh thank God. We're on it, Spock." There was a pause. "It works! Good work, gentlemen!"

The lights chose that moment to come on.

Skippy Skippy

Everybody winced when the lights suddenly came on. Eventually their retinas started functioning again and they noticed that everyone had been cheating at strip poker. Not one single person had taken off his or her shirt during the entire game. It made the sudden return of vision a bit of a let down. At least in the dark they could use their imaginations.

Kirk was simultaneously relieved and annoyed to see that Ankarra Xiphion the fifth did not exist. Instead he had been standing next to Lieutenant Margaret 'Meg' O'Malley, admin clerk. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I came down to get you to sign an order form for a shipment of volleyballs. The ones we have in the gym keep getting puncture wounds." She glared at the only person on the ship who enjoyed exercising with sharp, pointy weapons. Sulu ignored her. "Then the lights went off and the yoga class started. I figured 'Hey, I like pushing people over while they're in the Tree Pose' so I stuck around. Then you started the group bonding and I realized I was feeling sadistic."

"That…that's horrible!"

She shrugged. "I know. On the last ship I served on, I was voted 'Worst Person in the Universe'. But really, I figured my accent would be a dead giveaway that I was from Earth and not a flesh-eating alien."

Kirk signed the paperwork and made a mental note never, ever to initiate group bonding exercises again.

Skippy Skippy

The replicators fixed, Spock and Chekov quickly found their way across the bridge, through the vents, and back into the halls. It was a quiet journey and not even Spock could ignore the awkward tension. Finally, they reached the turbo lift.

"Mr. Spock? You von't tell Lt. Uhura vill you?"

"No. There would be no point in her knowing this."

"Thank you."

"Tonight you will meet with Ensign Ramirez in her quarters at nineteen-hundred hours to….study engineering maps. That is an order."

"Yes Sir."

Skippy Skippy

At nineteen hundred hours Ensign Bonita Ramirez opened her door to see Ensign Pavel Chekov. He was a little taken aback because she was wearing her civilian clothes. These included but were not limited to: ripped jeans, an old dog collar, and facial piercings. "Hi!" She said cheerfully.

"Uh…uh…. hello. Mr. Spock sent me here to…study…engineering maps."

"Hombre, we ain't studyin' nuthin' tonight. Time for fiesta!" Without wasting any time she grabbed him and dragged him inside to the party.

It was sneaky and patronizing what Mr. Spock had done. But there was lots of food, lots of head banging, the music was loud enough that even Babushka would have been able to hear it, and there was a girl with green skin and black hair who had just taken her top off. Chekov decided to forget about being miffed and learn to crowd surf.

Skippy Skippy

In Spock's quarters it was blissfully quiet. He had decided to test the replicators one more time and now Uhura was snuggled beside him on the bed, eating chocolate covered strawberries out of a bowl. He was pleased with their decision not to attend Ensign Ramirez's party. It meant he could be with his girlfriend and forget about the events of the day.

If only his girlfriend would stop talking about it. "I think it was sweet of you."

"Sweet was not a factor. Ensign Chekov is still young and socialization is important for healthy psychological development."

She lifted her head and kissed his nose. "Still sweet."

He sighed. "You are illogical. And I do not believe that is the proper way to kiss someone."

"Oh?" She gave him a smile that he found somehow reminiscent of a cat. "Then why don't you remind me how to kiss?"

"It would be unsatisfactory to let you continue kissing me incorrectly." He moved the empty bowl and pulled the covers over them.

Finite.

Author's notes: I have such awesome reviewers. Each and every one of you is an amazing and witty person. I had such a good response to the first part I couldn't help but write a second. Thanks ya'll!

Whereas the first one had moments of serious business going on, this one was played strictly for lulz. I had fun with this one, this fandom is reminding me of why I like to write.

Nothing belongs to me and no money was made from this.


	3. Chapter 3

Lieutenant Meg O'Malley had had a good shore leave. The Enterprise had been docked for repairs on Omega Phitrion Five and her crew let loose on the largely tropical planet. Meg's vacation had largely consisted of stiffing waiters and cabbies, knocking down children's sand castles at the beach, borrowing other peoples' communicators and racking up roaming charges, and stealing beach towels. A relaxing vacation, all things considered, and now she was headed back to her post as a Starfleet bureaucrat.

"Hello my dear. You look like an intelligent young lady. Could I perhaps interest you in a plant? Something pretty and cheerful to brighten up your apartment?" The slimy little man swooped his hand over his folding table of various herbage. "Something to remind you of your stay here on Omega Phitrion Five."

Meg peered over his table at the brightly colored plants. "Hmm. But see, I spent all my money putting a drunk tourist on an aircruiser to the other side of the planet."

"You should have stolen his wallet before you put him on the aircruiser."

"I'll remember that next time."

At this point there was the unmistakable sound of a police siren and the flashing red and blue lights that are standard of police cars all over the galaxy came into view. The man paled. "Listen, um…this one's on the house. In fact, all of them are on the house. Take as many as you can carry." He pushed several plants into her arms.

"Uh…ok. Thanks Mr…?"

"Mu…just call me Harry." Without saying another word he ran off. Meg shrugged and continued on her way to the Enterprise.

Once there she decided the flowers weren't really 'her'. They were too happy, too normal, too…floral. So she dumped them down the waste shoot. They traveled through the vents until they met up with the whirling, twirling blades that chopped them into pieces, letting out the various juices and fragrances. Those juices and fragrances were then dumped in the incinerator that burned all the waste produced by the crew. The fumes escaped in puffs of smoke and traveled through the vents before filtering into the hallways and sleeping quarters of the Enterprise.

Skippy Skippy

"On screen." The minute Kirk said it, Admiral Pike's magnified image appeared before the Bridge. "It's good to see you Sir."

"Good to see you too. In fact, I was hoping to see you in person. I was staying in your hotel on Omega Phitrion Five but somehow ended up on an aircruiser headed for the other side of the planet. Very strange. But I understand the Enterprise is headed for the Peloponnesian station?"

"That we are, Sir. We'll be there tomorrow. Should we expect to see you there?"

"You should indeed. And I will be accompanied by a friend of ours. A Vulcan ambassador."

Kirk's smile got wider. "And what should my crew call this ambassador?" Having two Spocks running around would get confusing and besides, very few people knew about the time traveling Vulcan, who Kirk mentally referred to as 'Old Spock' or 'Cool Spock'. He personally thought the older version of his second in command was much cooler than 'Young Spock'.

"He prefers to be referred to as: Midas."

"The crew of the Enterprise looks forward to seeing you and 'Midas'." They exchanged farewells and the screen returned to its usual view of stars, stars, and more stars. Kirk, still smiling, leaned back in his chair.

Spock was not so happy. "Captain, are you sure this is wise?"

"Mr. Spock, you're a pessimist. We just got back from a relaxing shore leave on a tropical planet. The crew is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The ship just got new repairs and is spic and span. What could possibly go wrong?"

"It is conceivable that everything could go wrong. Unlikely, but possible."

"Oh relax. Everything will be fine." Kirk became aware that every pair of eyes and a trio of eyes (Sporky came from a species that had three eyes) were fixated upon him. He realized what he had just done. "I just doomed us all, didn't I?"

"Not logically. However, if I was fully human I believe I would be mildly disturbed right now."

"Thanks Mr. Spock. You always know the right thing to say."

Skippy Skippy

After her shift had ended, Lt. Uhura made her way back to her quarters. She was almost bouncing with joy. In three hours she was going to meet her boyfriend for dinner. And she was going to wear the little black dress she had picked out while shopping with Gaila. And she'd be smokin' enough to give every man on the ship lung cancer. Dinner would be great and dessert would be even better.

She was almost to her room when she passed by an air vent that smelled funny. She sniffed a few times and paused. Without warning she broke into a run and dashed to her room. Forget lung cancer, she'd be hot enough to cause skin cancer.

Skippy Skippy

Ensign Pavel Chekov was happy. After today the two weeks of an extra shift a day with Mr. Spock would be over. As he made his way to Engineering he paused by a strange smelling air vent. After a second he forgot all about his final shift with Spock and ran back the way he came.

He was gonna propose to Bon Bon, they would get married and live happily ever after.

Skippy Skippy

Doctor Bones McCoy was not happy. And he didn't bounce. He glowered at people on his way to Sickbay and reminded them that he was a doctor and not a fill in the blank. Lt. Sporky had a scheduled eye exam today and it was always tough working with someone who had three eyes.

Bones passed by that a weird smelling air vent and paused. He felt funny. After a second of staring into space he took off for sickbay. He wasn't running however, he was skipping. With warm, fuzzy feelings in his heart.

Skippy Skippy

Spock clicked his communicator shut. He had been waiting in the Engineering Department for Ensign Chekov for twenty-three minutes now. When he had tried calling he had gotten a voicemail telling him to press one for English and two for Russian. He had left a message but still found it odd. Chekov had seemed so happy when they had realized they only had to spend one more day together. If he were human, Spock might have been offended.

Another thing was bothering him. He had tried calling Nyota to confirm their date that night and she hadn't answered. While not prone to what Lt. O'Malley called 'Touchy-feely crap', Spock was beginning to feel a bit worried.

That vague worried feeling turned to outright dread when Scotty gathered up all his engineers and proceeded to teach them how to Highland Dance. What was really creepy was that Spock wanted to join in.

Skippy Skippy

"Y'know, my species doesn't actually have three eyes." Sporky commented. He and Sulu were playing Go Fish on the Bridge. Normally they would never have disgraced Starfleet by doing something as ridiculous as playing a card game on the Bridge but with the loss of inhibitions they didn't think twice about it. Sulu had set them at Warp eight speed so they could get to the Peloponnesian Station sooner, so they figured they didn't have anything to worry about.

"Really?"

"Yeah. We have four eyes. I lost my eye in an accident at the Academy." Sporky lifted his head tentacles to reveal an eye patch. "It involved Lt. O'Malley and a spork. Ever since then people have called me 'Sporky'. Which is okay because she's the only one who could ever pronounce my real name."

"What's your real name?"

"Ankarra Xiphion the Fifth. For some reason when people on this ship hear that name now they think I'm gonna eat them. Makes me feel sad and lonely. I'm actually a vegan."

"Huh." Sulu scratched his head. "So you're like….a vegan pirate with tentacles and self-esteem issues. That's cool."

"I guess."

"I'm a ninja." There was a brief moment where they locked eyes and realized what Fate wanted them to do. And what Fate wants, Fate gets. "I'll meet you in Hallway A in fifteen minutes." Sporky nodded and they ran out of the Bridge. The last words that echoed throughout the empty room were: "This is gonna be awesomesauce!"

Skippy Skippy

There were an abundance of hot, green skinned babes in Starfleet. This was good for Kirk. Some guys like whipped cream with their sex, some guys like leather. Kirk liked green. Nobody knew for certain why but there was a rumor that he had gone to see a musical about a witch too many times as a kid.

Now he was breaking all types of Starfleet regulations by making out with a member of his crew. She was a hot, green skinned babe and he was planning on going to third base at least. Normally he would've only gone to first, maybe second if she were really hot, because she was a member of his crew. A total lack of inhibitions were affecting his libido however and he decided he just didn't care.

There was a knock on the door. Grumbling, Kirk got up and answered the door. "Spock. Bit busy right now."

Spock arched an eyebrow. "Captain, the ship is in what can only be described as chaos. People are doing whatever they feel like without thinking things through and deciding on the most logical course of action."

Kirk grinned. "I know! It's like…all my inhibitions are gone and I'm free to do whatever I want."

"Captain, we're at Warp eight and nobody is piloting the ship, Engineering is giving dance lessons and Sickbay is now a chorus. Lack of forethought means people are getting hurt and Dr. McCoy is in no shape to help them." If Kirk didn't know better he would've sworn Spock looked ticked. "Your ship needs its captain."

A lack of inhibitions were a part what had made Kirk a captain. Now a lack of inhibitions would make him take charge of his ship. "C'mon Spock. We're going to save the Enterprise." He took one bold, defiant step forward only to be stopped by his second in command. "What?"

"It would not be advisable to save the Enterprise while naked, Sir."

Kirk got dressed and the two of them quickly headed for the Bridge. They walked at a brisk pace, close to that of mall walkers. "Okay, so the first thing we need to do is slow the ship down and then we can find out what's making people act so weird…ahh!" Kirk halted and backed up when Lt. O'Malley stepped out in front of them.

"What the hell's goin' on?" She demanded. "Everyone on the bloody ship is actin' like…well, me."

"We're going to find that out." Kirk assured her. "Come on." He grabbed her wrist and the three of them continued towards the Bridge.

Skippy Skippy

Pavel Chekov was in tears. Not puppy eyes 'Please don't hate me' tears, but 'World is ending, rocks fall and everyone dies' tears. Bonita 'Bon Bon' Ramirez had just broken up with him. The fact that they had been dating for all of twenty-four hours was of no consequence; he was still in agony. The fact that she had dumped him for a girl did not make it any better. Sniffling, he slumped against her door and promised himself that he would never, ever leave that spot. He would remain at her door for the rest of time in devotion to her.

Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and Lt. O'Malley briskly walked by. "Keptin! I need to ask for advice about Bonita." He fell in step with them, glaring at Mr. Spock who had set him up with a lesbian and caused the whole mess.

"Use protection." Kirk said.

"Uh…not that."

"When she asks about a three way make sure she means with another girl. Believe me, if you don't clarify that it can get really awkward."

"I vish! She dumped me."

"Plenty of other fish in the sea. And hey, you're on a ship."

O'Malley broke in. "On a ship in space. Cold, dark, empty space. It could almost be called a desert. You're not on the sea, you're in the desert."

"She dumped me for a woman!"

"Get good pictures." Kirk said automatically. "Try and catch them making out."

"And then sell them on the Internet. You could make your own website…" O'Malley was cut off by Kirk covering her mouth with his hand.

"Ensign, I'm giving you two orders. Number one: forget about Bonita. Number two: come on. We have to slow the ship down."

"But…"

"Spock, grab him."

Spock took a firm hold of Chekov's ear and dragged him along.

Skippy Skippy

The Bridge was not empty when the four of them arrived. The epic battle for control of the universe that had started in Corridor A could not be contained in such a small space. It had moved to Corridor B, the mess hall, Sickbay, Corridor F, the turbo lift and finally to the Bridge. Along the way it had attracted the attention of several fangirls, who all took it upon themselves to film the final battle of pirates versus ninjas.

"Mr. Sulu! Mr. Sporky!" Kirk shouted. "What are you two doing?"

Sporky, who was out of uniform and dressed in an old Halloween costume (after the incident at the Academy he had given in to peer pressure and bought a pirate costume for his senior year Halloween Bash. It was better than the sheet he had used as a toga the year before) spoke up first. "Sir, the fate of the universe depends on the outcome of this battle….oh God, it's you! Get it away from me, get it away!"

O'Malley waved. "Hi Ankarra. Nice to see you again too."

Kirk paled. "There really is an Akarra Xiphion the Fifth?"

"Yes." She said slyly. "But he's nothing like how I described. He's a vegan."

Kirk shook his head. "You're messing with my head again. Oh God…Sporky, do you eat human flesh?"

"No Sir. But I do enjoy tofu."

"That's just what a human flesh eating alien would say! Spock, do the pinch thing!"

Spock sighed heavily. "Captain, I really don't think…"

"Do it!"

Without letting go of Chekov's ear, the Vulcan stomped up to the unsuspecting and innocent Sporky and pinched him out cold. He flopped on the floor in a faint. The fangirls and Sulu fumed. The great battle of pirates versus ninjas was won by a Vulcan. Not only was Sulu robbed of victory but all the bets were ruined.

If Kirk noticed this he didn't care. "Mr. Sulu, get this ship out of Warp now!"

Sulu sheathed his sword and leaned over his station. A few buttons were pushed and he straightened up. "Done."

"That's it?"

"Yep." There was a brief pause and everyone on the bridge savored the anticlimactic resolution. Kirk collapsed in his chair and rubbed his head. The day had been pretty crazy and it wasn't over yet. "Spock, how long until we reach the Peloponnesian Station?"

"An hour."

"Great."

"I do not believe that is an appropriate description of…oh, you were being sarcastic. Of course, lets all be sarcastic to the Vulcan. Never mind that your lack of logic already drives me up the wall, now I have to guess whether you're being sarcastic or not. Great."

Kirk blinked. "Um…Spock? You okay?"

"I believe that whatever is affecting the crew is also affecting me. I desire to do things that are illogical and foolish."

"Like break up vith Lt. Uhura?"

"Keep away from my girlfriend, Ensign." All the fangirls squealed, some with jealousy, some with joy. Spock ignored all of them. "Captain, the best thing to do would be to figure out what is causing us to act without regard to logic or social norms. If we know what our enemy is we have a better chance of stopping it."

"And the best person to find out what's wrong with us a doctor." Kirk grinned. "To Sickbay! Sulu, Chekov, you pilot the ship." He pushed himself up from his chair and quickly headed for the turbo lift.

Sulu backflipped several times and blocked the Captain's way. "Captain?"

"Yes?" Sulu knocked Kirk off balance and pulled him into his arms. Before anyone could do or say anything he pressed his lips against Kirk's and they shared a long and tender moment that Lt. O'Malley captured for prosperity on her communicator and quickly uploaded to the Internet.

The fangirls went crazy.

Skippy Skippy

Bones poked Kirk's cheek with a pen. "Why's he all twitchy like that?" The captain was huddled on a Sickbay bed holding his head in his hands.

"Check your e-mail. You should've gotten the attachment explaining everything." Meg smirked. Once she had uploaded the video to the Internet it was a simple task to e-mail it to everyone on the ship.

"Doctor, can you perform medical tests on members of the crew? It might provide us with clues on why everyone is acting liked hyenas who ate too much sugar." Spock cleared his throat. "I mean, why everyone is acting odd."

McCoy shrugged. "I guess I could." He turned and skipped away, singing 'Zip a dee do da' softly.

Meg shivered. "All the happiness in here is making me ill. Can we leave?"

Spock arched an eyebrow. "It would be wise to wait for Dr. McCoy's medical assessment. Lieutenant, I am curious. You are the only person on this ship who is not acting out of character."

"Yeah. I'm pretty crazy on a regular basis. I guess I'm immune to whatever is screwing around with you guys." She shrugged and peered behind him. "What madness do we have here?"

Kneeling by Kirk's bedside was a nurse, Lieutenant Commander Mary Susan O'Neill otherwise known as 'The Other Irish Woman on the Ship' and Meg O'Malley's arch nemesis. They had loathed each other ever since Meg had cast dispersions on the entire nation of England and Mary had countered with a speech about they should let bygones be bygones and we were all the same inside or some such self righteous garbage. Their rivalry had come to a head a few days before the blackout when Meg had set up a distillery in the kitchen and Mary had defended the honor of the Emerald Isle by calling such stereotypical behavior an offense to every true son or daughter of Erin. The result had been a catfight.

Even Spock could feel the aura of hostility between the two women. However, they weren't fighting so he just concentrated on Lt. Cmdr O'Neill. She was proclaiming her love for Kirk, her lavender orbs gazing deeply into his azure ones.

"Oh Captain!" She gasped with a lyrically tinted accent. "I have loved ye as long as the day is old."

Kirk gave her a funny look. "I don't know what that means."

"I love ye. But alas, I'm a wee bit shy and never thought you'd notice me. But now I got up the courage to tell of my love fer ye."

Kirk shrugged. She didn't green skinned but maybe he talk her into body paint later on. She was hot enough anyway. "So…uh, tell me about yourself."

She smiled at him. "I'm half Irish, half Vulcan. Me Da is Dr. McCoy and I'm sixteen years old. I entered Starfleet when I was eight. I'm better at medicine that me Da, more logical than Mr. Spock, better with a sword than Sulu, hotter than Uhura, better at engineering equations than Scotty and more innocent than Chekov."

"Back up a second; Bones slept with a Vulcan?" Kirk laughed. "Lucky Bones. Didn't know he was Irish though."

"I'm thinking of a pun regarding his nickname." Meg grinned when Mary Susan looked ready to cry.

"It's not funny! Me mother was killed by a meteor when I was two weeks old and the memory has haunted me all of me life!" She draped herself across Kirk and sobbed. "Oh, Captain! Despite my beauty and saintly demeanor nobody will ever love me. I'm an outcast in my own skin being not quite one nor the other."

Meg hissed. "Kill it! Kill it with fire!" Spock rolled his eyes.

"Lt. O'Malley, such a violent overreaction would…oh God, is she giving him mouth to mouth? Hang on." He pinched Mary Susan and she flopped down in a faint. Kirk gasped for air and sat up.

"Thank you."

"No prob. I mean, you're quite welcome Captain."

Still feeling quite nauseous at having been violated twice in less than an hour, Kirk swallowed his feelings of discomfort and suggested they go find Dr. McCoy. They found him leading the personnel of Sickbay in a charming, if off key, rendition of 'One Day More' from the critically acclaimed musical Les Miserables.

"Bones!" Kirk yelled. His voice was lost in the chorus of 'One day to a new beginning. Raise the flag of freedom high…' "Dammit Bones, you're a doctor not a music conductor!" The chorus of nurses looked mutinous, angry that their song had been interrupted.

Dr. McCoy scowled. "Not cool. Never expected you to turn out to be a slave driver."

Kirk massaged his temples. "Do you know why we're all acting crazy: yes or no?"

"Yeah." A long pause. "Oh, do you want to know my findings?"

"I would think that would be obvious." Spock said.

"Say the magic word." Bones sang.

Kirk and Spock looked at each other. "Please?" the Vulcan said.

"Wrong! You're wrong you point-eared hobgoblin! Ha ha! I've been waiting for you to be wrong ever since we met! This is the greatest day of my…"

"Whiskey!" Meg shouted out.

"…Dammit. Okay, I took a couple of blood and tissue samples from some random passerbys and found that we've all been drugged with illegal, mind altering plants from Omega Phitrion Five. You lit those particular plants on fire and the smoke is enough to make the green blooded elf do the Time Warp song and dance."

"Bite me." Said green blooded elf growled. Gah, he was so sick of these morons with their idiotic assumptions and inane insults. Oooh look at de pointeh ears! Woohoo, pointy. Like Vulcans were the only species in the universe with pointy ears. If there was ever a species he wanted wiped out it was humanity.

While his second in command was silently plotting to kill them all, Kirk was trying to piece the puzzle together. "So I guess the most reasonable assumption is that someone brought the plants onto the ship, burned them and spread the incense around the ship in an attempt to get blackmail on everyone."

"That or they threw the plants away where they ended up being burned by the incinerator and the smoke spread through the ship, making this whole incident an innocent mistake." Bones pointed out.

"I agree with that assumption." Lt. O'Malley said. "Always best to give people the benefit of the doubt." She was having the best day ever. It was better than Christmas, Halloween and her birthday combined. She had managed to cause chaos, panic and disorder and it was by accident. She hadn't even been trying. As a bonus, she had even gotten to see her arch nemesis pinched into a coma by Spock. Meg could die a happy woman.

What she didn't know was that it was about to get better. Kirk paced up and down in Sickaby, talking partly to them, but mostly to himself. "We need to find a way to deliver an antidote to the crew and stop this madness."

"This. Is. Sparta!" Spock screamed.

"No it's not. Once we deliver an antidote we'll need to get everyone checked for injuries. So we should probably give medical personnel the antidote first. But before all that we need to develop an antidote…hot diggity dog!" Once again libido overcame reason and the fate of the Enterprise was momentarily forgotten. Kirk's jaw dropped and everyone turned to see what he was drooling over.

Lieutenant Nyota Uhura was standing in the doorway wearing thigh high black leather boots, a red corset, and the sultriest look to ever grace the face of a woman. Kirk's wasn't the only jaw that dropped. Ignoring everyone else, she turned her cat like smirk to Spock. "Hello, Lust-Bunny."

O'Malley got out her communicator and started filming. _I am so doing this again next year._ She thought.

Skippy Skippy

It took them several hours to develop an antidote. At least part of the reason it took so long was because the Science Officer was in his quarters with Uhura, who was now answering only to 'Elvira'. A couple of people (Kirk) would have been willing to join in but it didn't happen. In addition to being mildly homicidal Spock was also jealous.

After a few hours they came back with uncombed hair and Spock's uniform shirt was on backwards. But they were still able to develop an antidote. Once they got Bones to quit singing 'If I Were a Rich Man' from the critically acclaimed musical Fiddler on the Roof, he told them they had to have everybody breath it in and that it would take at least an hour to work.

They were just about to run down to Engineering to put the gaseous antidote to use when Kirk was paged. Or rather, Spock was paged. "Hey Lust-Bunny." Uhura purred. "Tell Kirky-kins we've arrived at the Peloponnesian Station and Admiral Pike is on screen and wants to speak to him."

"Kirky-kins?" Meg wiped the tears of mirth from her eyes. "Kirky-kins?" She and Bones doubled over laughing.

Kirk glared at them. In retrospect he should have made Gaila promise not to tell Uhura about any of their pet names. "This is Captain Kirk. Please tell the Admiral I'll be there in a minute. Kirk out." Still fuming, he narrowed his eyes at the still laughing doctor and admin clerk. "You two. Take this antidote down to Engineering and get Scotty to tell you which air vent to dump it down."

Meg saluted. "Aye aye, Cap'n Kirky-kins." She and Bones were still laughing when Kirk stomped out, with Spock trailing behind him.

Skippy Skippy

When Kirk entered the Bridge the first thing he noticed was that Admiral Pike was on-screen, like a god watching to see what was going on. The second thing he noticed was that Uhura was sitting at her usual consol, only now she was wearing a sexy maid's outfit and having her picture taken with Chekov's communicator. He made a mental note to ask Spock about all these costumes later. The third thing Kirk noticed was Lt. Sporky's body was still lying on the floor in plain view. The fourth thing was that Sulu was sharpening his sword.

So added up to a pseudo-pornographic photo shoot, a comatose crewmember, and one ninja. All of this under the watchful eye of his mentor and superior officer. _Crap._ Kirk forced a smile. "Hello Admiral."

"Captain." Admiral Pike clipped. "You arrived early. Midas and I weren't expecting you until tomorrow."

"We accidentally sped up."

"Is everything alright?"

He looked around the bridge, wondering how to answer that question. He saw Spock pinch Chekov, causing the kid collapse on the floor. That was probably for the best anyway. Lt. Sporky groaned from his spot on the floor and Sulu sped up his sharpening. "No."

Spock was ignoring the conversation. He had been fighting a demon all day. While pinching people out cold and quietly plotting the termination of the human race were acceptable ways to act out being uninhibited by social mores and standards of behavior, this was just absurd. It was childish, illogical. It would embarrass him and the uniform he was wearing.

Regardless, he whispered his idea to Uhura. She nodded and whispered a request to the ship's computer. The computer promptly accessed the Internet and she was able to connect the link she wanted to the ship's broadcast system.

"So when you visit the ship we should have everything worked out….what the fu…" Kirk was interrupted by the blaring music of 'The Time Warp' from the critically acclaimed musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He turned around just in time to see Spock, Uhura, and Sulu get up and dance.

It's astounding  
Time is fleeting  
Madness takes it's toll...

Ahh...

But listen closely...  
Not for very much longer...

I've got to keep control.  
I remember doing the Time Warp.  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me.

And the void would be calling.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

It's just a jump to the left.  
And then a step to the right.  
With your hand on your hips.  
You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust.  
They really drive you insane.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

The situation was made even more strange by the fact that Spock was singing along. The Captain of the starship Enterprise could do nothing but stare. He turned back and saw Old Spock had joined Admiral Pike and was now watching the show with an arched eyebrow.

It's so dreamy  
Oh, fantasy free me  
So you can't see me  
No not at all.

In another dimension  
With voyeuristic intention.  
Well secluded I see all...

With a bit of a mind flip...  
You're into a time slip...  
And nothing can ever be the same.  
You're spaced out on sensation.  
Like you're under sedation.

Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

Well, I was walking down the street  
Just having a think  
When a snake of a guy  
Gave me an evil wink.  
Well it shook me up  
It took me by surprise  
He had a pick-up truck  
And the devil's eyes  
He stared at me  
And I felt a change  
Time meant nothing  
Never would again.

Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

It's just a jump to the left.  
And then a step to the right.  
With your hands on your hips.  
You bring you knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust...  
That really drives you insane  
Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again

Ah! Oh! Oh! Yeoooww...  
Ahhhh.

Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

It's just a jump to the left.  
And then a step to the right.  
With your hands on your hips.  
You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust  
They really drive you insane.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.  
Let's do the Time Warp again.

The music ended and all three of them collapsed on the floor, panting heavily. Convinced that he would never be able to erase the image of Spock during a pelvic thrust from his brain, Kirk turned back to the screen. "Like I said, we're working hard to fix the problem."

Fin.

Author's notes: This whole thing was written with the purpose of making Spock do the Time Warp. I actually did the Time Warp at a party a couple of nights ago. You know you have fun friends when you can spontaneously burst into a song and dance number and they join in. I tried to convince one guy to strip to the song but he wasn't that drunk.

Anyways, if anyone has the Sims and wanted to do a video of the crew doing the Time Warp and post it on Youtube I would love you forever.

Dear John Cho,

You knew the slash was gonna happen. You knew it when you signed on for the role. And nothing can stop it. Number one rule of fanfiction: if there are pretty boys, there will be slash. Just accept it and move on.

You know how the third film in a trilogy is often the worst? Like, the first two will be awesome but the third is like 'WTF'? That's kinda how I feel about this chapter. It's not bad, but it's not as good as the first two. The good news is: there will be a fourth chapter, one that brings it all together and sums everything up. There will be closure, explanations, fluffy character interaction, everything.

Thanks for reading and a special thank you to all the reviewers. I get such a kick out of reading your reviews and they really do brighten up my day. Thanks.

I don't own anything. Star Trek, musicals, dance routines, Sims, nothing. Nothing but Lt. Meg O'Malley, Lt. Sporky, and Lt. Cmdr. Mary Susan O'Neill.

If anybody wants to use Lt. O'Malley in a fic please feel free. She's a ridiculously fun character to write. I do ask that she not be given any redeeming values, that she not move up in rank, and that I be given credit.


	4. Chapter 4

"Welcome aboard, Admiral." Kirk smiled weakly as Admiral Pike wheeled himself off the transporter pad. Trailing behind the Admiral was 'Cool' Spock, known as Ambassador Midas.

"Captain Kirk." Pike gave him an intense look. "I trust things have calmed down since our last talk?"

Kirk opened his mouth to answer then hesitated. In between the Time Warp and now, Sulu had run off to find more pirates to fight, Uhura had changed into a toga, and Spock started muttering "Kill them all, kill them all". "Actually Sir, things are getting worse."

Pike nodded. "Well, making them better should be an interesting exercise."

Skippy Skippy

"I'm beginning to think," Lt. Meg O'Malley mused as she tossed the vial of antidote in the air and caught it neatly in her palm. "that people don't like me." She was talking to Dr. McCoy and Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott. They were alone in Engineering, chatting aimlessly and listen to the gentle hum of the ship's engines.

"Why would you think that? Could it be because the mere sight of you sent the entire Engineering crew running for their mommies?" Bones sniped. He was mad because he had been deprived on seeing the Engineering Department perform a traditional Highland Dance. The fact that Scotty was wearing a kilt did not make him feel better.

"I like you." Scotty said. "Well, no' really. I just tolerate you because you know raunchy drinkin' songs and you bash the English with me." Being uninhibited means you don't have to worry about being polite to your drinking buddy.

Before the other two could respond, the doors swooshed open and in marched Kirk, followed by Pike and both Spocks. The three slackers exchanged various greetings.

"Hi Jim." Bones waved cheerfully.

"Hey, you look familiar." O'Malley eyed Pike. "Do I know you?"

"How's it goin'?" Scotty gave them all a smile. "Welcome to the heart of Sandwich."

"Sandwich?" Spock (the one Kirk thought of as 'uncool') said. "Would that be your new nickname for the ship?"

"Aye."

"Fascinating." It wasn't, but Spock the Younger was learning that being uninhibited means you could lie. Logic be damned, lacking inhibitions was fun.

"Bones, O'Malley, have you exposed the antidote to the ship's ventilating system?" Kirk asked, eager to get his ship back to normal.

"Yeah, we…oh. No, no we didn't." O'Malley held up the vial. "We came down here to do that and we just got to talkin' and then you came and I still say he looks familiar…" She shrugged. "We just didn't feel like it."

Without saying a word the Captain of the Enterprise snatched the vial from her hand. "Scotty, which air duct is the quickest way to the incinerator?"

"That one."

"Thanks." He pried open the vent and tossed the vial down. It clanged and banged its way down to the incinerator where the container was melted and the antidote met the flames. The fumes traveled through the vents and eventually filtered out into the Enterprise. There, they were inhaled by the crew members and the healing process began.

Skippy Skippy

The total came to fourteen broken bones, twenty ruined relationships, any number of random hook-ups, a few pieces of broken equipment, and a lot of videos on the Internet. The one of Spock, Uhura and Sulu doing the Time Warp went viral. Someone (probably Lt. O'Malley) had hacked into Admiral Pike's computer and found the memory logs of his transmission when that scene had taken place and uploaded it and e-mailed it to everybody on the Enterprise.

The high resolution video of Kirk and Sulu making out was almost as popular.

Kirk groaned and slapped his hands over his face. "This is a disaster." He didn't see the upward twitch of Pike's mouth. They were in the Captain's quarters, mulling over the report and what it meant for the crew of the Enterprise.

"It was a disaster. Past tense. And it could have been worse." The older man said soothingly.

"How?"

The Admiral was silent for a moment. He brow creased and he tapped his finger against his chin, obviously trying to think of an answer. "You could have been attacked by Klingons. They have a tendency to make any situation worse. For a true disaster of epic proportions just add Klingons!" He announced that last sentence in a comically theatrical voice.

Kirk lowered his hands and slowly turned his head. "You're trying to cheer me up."

"I always knew you were smart. Did it work?"

"Maybe. I tried the same thing on an ensign not too long ago. I told him about the town's only stoplight and a little bit about my high school graduation party."

"What happened at your high school graduation party?"

"I'd tell you, but you'd probably have to ask for my resignation from Starfleet. My point is, that Ensign is seventeen and got drunk. I'm twenty-five and the Captain of the ship. My ship was in chaos and I couldn't keep my crew safe."

"Twenty-five." Pike deadpanned. "Absolutely ancient. Jim, I heard from Spock that when this whole mess started unfolding you were with a crew member in her quarters."

Kirk closed his eyes in embarrassment. "Yeah. When my ship was spiraling out of control I was trying to get to second base with a member of my crew."

"And when Spock told you the ship needed its Captain, you were ready to run off and solve the problem right then and there. I've known you for years. I know how you appreciate beautiful women. And, with a lack of inhibitions and of your own free will you left to lead your ship." Pike reached over and lightly bopped Kirk upside the head. "Your first instinct was to save the Enterprise!"

"But…"

"No buts. You did well."

Skippy Skippy

Old Spock and Regular Spock were in his quarters, enjoying a meal of traditional Vulcan cuisine. "But I am curious, you muttered 'Kill the illogical' several times before the antidote began to work." Old Spock arched an eyebrow. "I didn't know I harbored subconscious xenophobic tendencies."

"I don't." His younger self said. "I was suffering from the affects of a mind altering drug."

"That removes inhibitions. In my uninhibited state I thought about killing the illogical." The elder arched an eyebrow. "Thankfully, I only thought about it. But do you find humans that irritating?"

"Sometimes." A pause. "Frequently." Another pause. "Most of the time. They frustrate me and frustration leads to anger. This is simply an example of why it necessary to eliminate emotions. I will schedule in an extra hour every day to meditate."

"I see." Old Spock nodded and they continued with their meal. After a few spoonfuls of soup, Young Spock looked up.

"I am also curious. Why did you choose the name Midas?"

"I did not think it wise to alert the public to my existence and use of time travel. It might cause unnecessary complications."

"But why Midas?"

He looked at himself for a long time before answering. "In human mythology, Midas was a king who gained everything he ever wanted but in doing so lost that which was most important to him and had true value. I found the moral…relevant."

Skippy Skippy

Perhaps the only person happy with the videos of them on the Internet was Scotty. He commented favorably on the video of him doing a jig and offered to teach anybody who was interested how to Highland Dance.

Skippy Skippy

"Who is playing that music? This is Sickbay, not a concert hall! For the last time I am not going to burst into song! Now turn that off or I'll have you reassigned to peeling potatoes!" Bones was considerably less happy with his videos, although many comments referred to his lovely singing voice.

Skippy Skippy

When Ambassador Midas and Admiral Pike left the Enterprise, Nyota snuck into her lover's quarters one night. He was meditating and she was about to leave without disturbing him when he called out to her.

"I wasn't sure you would want me here." She ducked her head, an action he found adorable and wonderful. "Everyone knows about us and I know you wanted to be discreet."

"I have been thinking about that. Discretion does not mean we have to hide our relationship. Lights on." He blew out the candles and turned to face her. "And there is no logic in pretending we are not together. In fact doing so might lead others to wrong conclusions."

She sat on the bed and reached over to kiss him. "You're wonderful."

He smiled and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He passionately kissed her back. "You are truly valuable to me."

Skippy Skippy

Kirk and Sulu were in the turbolift together. Alone. It was a supremely awkward moment.

Eventually Sulu chewed up and spat out all the embarrassment and cleared his throat. "Um…Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Sulu?" Kirk forced his voice to remain steady.

"I'm sorry. I would never normally…I mean, never…. I'm sorry."

"We all did things we would never normally do." Kirk shrugged. "It's not the end of the world and we're fine. There's no need to apologize."

The turbolift stopped and the doors opened to admit Lt. Sporky. His three eyes traveled from Kirk to Sulu and there was a brief face off.

Kirk sighed. "Save it for the Halloween party, Gentlemen. I see any pirates or ninjas running around and I'll sic Spock on you." The turbolift halted and he got off, leaving them alone.

Sporky looked at Sulu. "We went viral."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. People want to know if there's going to be a sequel to the video."

Sulu inhaled. "Well, we'd have to wait for the Halloween Party per the Captain's orders but…" He trailed off and they both grinned.

Skippy Skippy

Kirk turned the corner to Ensign Ramirez's quarters only to find that Spock had beaten him there. He quickly ducked back and listened to his second-in-command handle the situation.

Chekov had spent the better part of the last twenty-four hours camped outside Bonita 'Bon Bon' Ramirez's living quarters. He had equipped himself with chocolate and wine but these were useless. She refused to let him in and he sat there moping until Spock came by.

"The Captain ordered you not to drink anymore."

Distracted from his teenage angst, he turned to talk to the half-Vulcan. "Da. But it's non-alcoholic. See?" He showed him the label, which proclaimed that the wine was indeed closer to fruit juice.

From his hiding place behind the corner Kirk shook his head. Non-alcoholic wine? That was just sad.

"I see. Ensign, you are aware that stalking is a form of harassment? If you insist on continuing this behavior I will order you to participate in socialization classes."

"I'm not stalking!" He protested. "I just vant to know why she said she vanted to go out vith me if she is a lesbian."

Spock arched an eyebrow. "I've noticed that humans frequently wish to hide things they are not comfortable with. It is likely she either didn't realize her orientation or didn't wish to acknowledge it. Being uninhibited forced her to confront what she really wanted."

"Maybe." Chekov held up the box of chocolates and Spock accepted one. "Commander Spock?"

"Yes?"

"I deleted the pictures I took of Lt. Uhura on my communicator." A bright red blush accompanied the confession.

"That is appropriate."

"I'm sorry I took them. I'm sorry I got mad at you for Bon Bon dumping me. It vasn't fair."

Kirk waited with baited breath until Spock echoed his earlier words. "You were under the affects of a mind altering drug. No apology is required."

"But…"

"My only orders for right now are you return to your own quarters and get some sleep. After your shift, find crew members in your age group and socialize with them." Spock said. "If you don't then I'll make you spend an extra shift a day with me for another two weeks." Of all the punishments he could have threatened this had the most effect. Chekov quickly packed up his feeble romantic offerings, promised to follow Spock's orders to the letter and ran off.

He returned a second later and wrapped his arms around the senior officer. The hug only lasted a moment before the teenager ran off again but it left Spock stunned.

Trying very hard not to laugh, Kirk rounded the corner and came up beside his science officer. "That was disgustingly cute." He couldn't hold back a grin.

"It was unprofessional."

"Maybe. But admit it, you have a warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach now, right?"

"I assure you, Captain, I have no such emotion. If I feel anything warm and fuzzy in my stomach I will visit Sickbay." Spock looked at Kirk with his eyebrow in its trademarked position. "Tell me, was that how you would have handled the situation?"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome we are."

Fin.

Author's notes: I saw Terminator Salvation. Prequel? Sequel? Sprequel? I dunno. Anton Yelchin was in it and he continued his career of being ridiculously adorable. The movie itself was meh. Anybody remember when Christian Bale used to work for Disney? I laugh every time I think of that.

The offer still stands of somebody making a sims version of the Enterprise crew doing the Time Warp. Unconditional love, people. I probably won't be the only one either. You upload that to youtube and you might go viral.

The offer of using Lt. O'Malley is also still good. Feel free so long as she gets no redeeming virtues or promotions and I get credit.

I have wonderful, awesome reviewers. Each and every one of you is a special person who lights up my day. I'm unemployed now so my days need all the brightening up they can get. Thank you, without your support this fic would not have happened.

While I'm on the subject of employment, I had an interview last week. Here's hoping.

I've got a couple of other fics in mind for this fandom. I'm gonna try and learn from this fic and follow KK's advice. The next fics should flow together a bit more. This one jumped a bit (I win the 'Understatement of the Year' award now).

But, I'm glad ya'll enjoyed reading. It was fun to write and I will see you guys around. Thank you all for your support and have a good Memorial Day!


End file.
